Just Breathe

Once again, I find myself so utterly exhausted- physically, mentally- and yet somehow unable to just plop down into bed next to my peacefully sleeping hubby. Maybe it's knowing that once I go to bed, it will suddenly be morning again. Another day to tackle. I feel so completely overwhelmed with life right now. Being a mom of five kids is a tougher job than this girl ever could have imagined. Add to that my calling in the Young Women's presidency and things are getting a little bit stressful. So what the heck does a person do when they throw in two college classes on top of all of that? Probably go insane, right? My perfectionist personality is having a hard time coping with a house that isn't quite so perfect- closets that hide the clutter I don't have time to sort through, carpets that desperately need cleaning, baseboards that cry out for a fresh coat of paint after five years of abuse, mail that piles up for weeks on the desk in the den, laundry that isn't folded and put away the moment it comes out of the dryer, a bed that never seems to get made... But worse than all of that, far worse, is the crushing burden of guilt. Guilt that I lost my temper with my diabetic son today because he has been so careless with his diabetes lately. Guilt that I am harming Nathanael's precious sense of self worth with my constant criticisms, demands, and expectations. Guilt that I just can't seem to find the time to help Sandee with her lateral lisp like I should. Guilt that I was so impatient when I was trying to help Allee with her piano this morning that I made her cry. Guilt that this is Lilee's last year before she goes to kindergarten and I haven't taken her to the zoo one time this year. Guilt that my heart breaks every day that Joshua gets older and yet I have to leave him for six hours a week to be in class (even though he's asleep for four hours of it). Guilt that I don't spend regular, quality, one-on-one time with each of my kids. Guilt that I am not the sweet, always happy, never impatient, never frustrated, always soft-spoken, fun mom that I always thought I would be. How do I face another day like today? How do I press forward when I know the heavy weight that I have to carry in my life right now? I know I just need to cast my burdens on the Lord. The people of Alma carried heavy burdens when they were slaves to the Lamanites. When they prayed, the Lord did not take away their burdens. He simply made them lighter, easier to bear:

Mosiah 24: 13-15, 21
13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.
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21 Yea, and in the valley of Alma they poured out their thanks to God because he had been merciful unto them, and eased their burdens, and had delivered them out of bondage; for they were in bondage, and none could deliver them except it were the Lord their God."

Wow. Even as I read this passage of scripture, I can feel the warmth of the Holy Ghost surrounding me. Heavenly Father has spoken to me through this scripture: "Lift up your head and be of good comfort, for I know the covenant which ye have made unto me..." The Lord is promising me that He will ease the burdens that I am called to carry right now, that I cannot feel them, even while I still carry them. He will do this that I will stand as a witness for Him hereafter and that I will know without a doubt that He visits His people in their afflictions. The Spirit is so strong right now! Now, I must submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. Thank you, Heavenly Father. I can do this. Just breathe...

2 Nephi 33

Nephi gives a powerful closing testimony in this chapter. He speaks of the charity he has for all men and that he has hope for all as long as they reconcile themselves unto Christ and walk the narrow path that leads back to Him. He declares that his words will stand as a testimony against all that will not partake of the goodness of God and bids them an everlasting farewell. I love how he uses the description, "I speak unto you as the voice of one crying from the dust." It makes me think of how Nephi was a real person, just like I am. He was really here on the earth and had much of the same physical struggles and the same basic spiritual battle that I am now experiencing. He loved, he hurt, he bled, he sweat, he cried, he laughed, he felt the Spirit, and he felt grief over his own weaknesses. What an amazing experience when we realize that these men and women of the scriptures were men and women just like we are! It makes it all so much more personal somehow.

2 Nephi 32

This chapter contains the powerful verse about prayer. Nephi tells us that the Spirit teaches a man to pray and the devil teaches a man that he must not pray. I know there have been times in my life where I have felt unworthy to pray. I felt that I would be a hypocrite to approach the Lord in the unworthy state that I was in. Yet, through the dark, I would feel the gentle tuggings of the Spirit, knowing deep down that I needed to pray at that moment more than ever. Without fail, I would always find the comfort, the forgiveness, and the will to turn again unto the Lord as I prayed. Heavenly Father loves us unconditionally and He is always there, waiting for us to come to Him for help in our struggles and most especially in our weakest moments.

2 Nephi 31

Nephi teaches us about the Savior's atonement and His perfect example for us. He points out that, even in His perfection, Christ humbly submitted to the will of the Father and was baptized. A prideful person would have haughtily declared that he had no need of repentance or forgiveness because he was free from stain. Yet Christ did not protest. He willingly obeyed and thereby set forth the example for the rest of us to follow.

I need a large dose of humility sometimes. I try so hard to be obedient and to follow the Lord's commands with exactness. Because of my earnest struggle for perfection, however, I am sometimes easily offended at the suggestion that I could be doing more, or when my faults or weaknesses are pointed out by another. Christ had no regard for the opinion of man. He cared only about pleasing the Father. I must continue to seek for the approval of Heavenly Father and not worry about how the world sees me. The Lord knows my heart. He knows how hard I am trying. Unfortunately, he also sees even those weaknesses that I seek to hide the deepest. I am broken and utterly vulnerable before His all-knowing eye. Yet there is a profound comfort in knowing that He not only loves me in spite of all of my faults, He stands ready to help me in overcoming them and is ever willing to forgive me for them. He sees my eternal potential and divine nature and I am His child. Nothing could possibly give me more happiness or contentment than to feel His all-encompassing love.

Mosiah 4:27

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

I am feeling so totally worn out, mentally & physically. I'm in the thick of things with school right now. I have two papers due next week and two finals the week after that. I'm trying to put together a service project for each of the Foster and Ballantyne families for Christmas. I just recently got called as the 1st counselor in the Young Women's presidency. Christmas is looming large and I have only done a bare minimum of shopping. I feel exhausted all of the time because I'm not getting enough sleep or exercise or eating well. So today, I picked up the scriptures to find some words of comfort to help me keep going. This scripture came to mind and it is exactly what I needed to hear. All of these things that I am trying to balance in my life need to be done in wisdom and order. There is definitely an order of priorities and I just physically can't do it all. I just need to make sure that the things I do choose to spend my time on are the things that matter most. No, I can't just bag my papers because I know my children are more important. But I can make sure I don't spend an absurd amount of time on them. I will pray for the Lord's help in accomplishing the things that matter most and that He will give me the serenity to let go of the things that I just can't do.

2 Nephi 24-30

Chapters 24-29
Lance & I went to the temple last Wednesday morning to do some initiatories. Unaware that the temple now has a 5-initiatory limit, we both agreed to do 10 names. When I found out that I could only do 5, it was too late to contact Lance so I just decided when I was finished to go sit on the couch where we always meet and read my scriptures. I read chapters 24-29 before I finally started to wonder why Lance still hadn't come out. I looked up to see him at the exact opposite end of the room, reading his own scriptures. He had been there the entire time! He came out after his allowed 5 names were complete and checked our couch to see if I was there yet. He then went back and sat in the chair right by the entryway, figuring that I would be sure to see him there. Somehow I missed him and walked right by.

The most interesting part of all of this is that our sister-in-law Michelle came in during that time. She saw Lance and he stood up to give her a big hug and ask how she & Thomas were doing. It didn't seem like a significant thing until she sent Lance a sweet email later on, telling him how much she had needed his hug that morning and to see his love and concern for her & Thomas. So, besides the fact that we were both able to catch up on our scripture reading that morning, it was no coincidence that we were only able to do 5 names and that I walked right by Lance, leaving him there to see Michelle when Heavenly Father knew that she needed it. Tender mercies...

Chapter 30
This chapter talks about how when the Jews finally believe in Christ, they will "be a pure and a delightsome people". I've never really thought about why that would actually happen? I believe that it is simply the fact that when we believe in Christ, we seek to follow Him. When we follow Him, we become more like Him. When we become like Christ, then we are pure and delightsome.

2 Nephi 23

One of the interesting things in this chapter is the mourning that occurred when Lucifer, son of the morning, fell and became Satan. He was our brother and his fall had to have been painful for us to bear, especially if that was the first time we had experienced or seen rebellion against the Father.

His pride and lust for glory and power were the key to his undoing. The ironic thing is that when we seek only to glorify the Father, we will have far more happiness and even power and glory of our own than we could possibly imagine. The key is not to seek after our own. We must seek only to glorify the Father and that is where true happiness lies. Not in the emptiness that is found in the glory of the world.